the filthy trenches of viral marketing

I got an email from a very concerned businessman today. The subject line read, “I write to seek your cooperation as my foreign partner”.

In a heartfelt and polite letter, Mr. Daniel explained that through rigorous fasting and prayers to his Almighty, he’d developed a spontaneous but blessedly divine trust in me. If I were to become his business partner, Mr. Daniel might let me in on an amazing deal, the kind that only comes once in a lifetime.

At first, I was shocked. Me? No way! He’d even emailed me at my book series’ contact address. Perhaps it was an omen. Book sales have been fair, but nothing I could quit my job over. I knew going into this that the rewards can be few and far between.

I forged on, heart palpitating with anticipation. Generally, I don’t believe in short cuts. There generally aren’t any, especially in the cutthroat world of self publishing.

But this? This might be a short cut.

You see, Mr. Daniel was the lawyer and personal confidant for a foreigner that happened to have a humungous horde of gold, worth at least $30M in USD. Amazing! Astounding! Sadly, this individual was deceased, and Mr. Daniel is seeking someone trustworthy to help settle his estate.

What an opportunity! Imagine what even a mediocre five percent of that gargantuan horde of precious metal could buy me! An editor, or maybe half an editor, at least.

Seeing as Mr. Daniel was a man of good taste, as evidenced by his choice in contacting me, I saw an opportunity for the both of us. I’d contact him back, demonstrating my own canny business skills and hint at my unlimited creative capacity.

Mr. Daniel,

I’d like to introduce you to my debut novel, HIGH WATER. I get the uncanny feeling that you might like it. Don’t forget to leave an honest review!

RW Tucker

I’m now obsessively refreshing my email client, literally shaking with excitement.

The future is bright indeed!

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