Category Archives: Fun

The High Water trilogy is complete

Wow! It’s been a few years of putting this together, and now we’re complete. It feels good.

HIGH WATER, PART 3: HANG EM HIGH!

highwater3.jpg

This series started with an idea: what would a bunch of kung fu loving stoners do in a zombie apocalypse?

By the time I got to the third novel, there were Amish zealots, ancient conspiracies, villains becoming heroes, and heroes losing their innocence. Zombies became the most mundane part. The characters came to life in my mind. It became a story of friendship, love, and the mutual adoration of a substance that makes life a little better.

This was the series where I really found my writing chops. The people in the story went from one dimensional characters with funny one liners in High Water, to people struggling with real adversity in High Water: Low Point, to people struggling with the end of the world in Hang ‘Em High.

I’ve moved on to other book series at this point, but High Water will always be the story that launched my foray into literature. Zombie novels are a dime a dozen, but I think I made something special, and I’ll always be proud of it.

Thanks for your support, as always!

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Weird Weed is live! Strange stoner stories

WEIRD WEED

Weird_Weed_Cover_for_Kindle

Here’s a project I’ve been working on for awhile. Starting with a few short stories of my own, Weird Weed became a collaborative project between myself, Mara K Eton and Tyler Haas.

If you’ve been reading the blog, you probably know by now that both are writing in this venerated little medium we call Pot Fiction. Tyler draws, Mara writes, and the both of them have strong lungs, it suffices to say.

Inside Weird Weed, you’ll find short stories about 19th century Jamaica, space travel, stoned animals, horror, love and loss, love found, weird sickos and lunatics, beloved friends and generally a lot of weed smoke. Seriously, the ganja drips off this book.

One unfortunate thing I found with some of

these stories is that they aren’t publishable. In fact, I’ve gotten some really disheartening letters back from magazine editors.

Literally: “This will promote drug use”.

Yeah, no shit.

Call it sour grapes, but I think that this is what self publishing is all about: sharing things without a middleman.

If you stay tuned, we’ll have a 4/20 sale where you can pick it up at a discount.

Thanks for all your support.

 

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Honeybees: Dumping the bees

Hey everyone! While I’ll been very busy on my short story collection and my next novel, plus the final book in the High Water series, I’ve also been raising bees. Why not have more hobbies than you can healthily manage?

“Honeybee02”. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Honeybee02.jpg#/media/File:Honeybee02.jpg%5B/caption%5D

Rather than rehashing everything I needed to know about bees before installation, I thought I’d write about what I learned during my package installation experience. That video does a great job of describing how it goes to give my comments some context.

Bee Poop:

Picture yourself in a box, clinging to other imprisoned humans. Your fearless leader is nearby, trapped in another, smaller box. Everyone, your closest friends, can’t get her out. Despair sets in. The muttering of your fellow incarcerated sisters grates.

You’re cold, cranky, and all you have to eat is pure sugar syrup. Drinking the syrup has given you a headache. You yearn for protein, for variety.

The last thing on your mind is taking a dump. Where could any of you take a dump, anyway? You’re all locked in a box.

Then the light hits you. Freedom! You try to race for the exit, only to be sprayed down with more sugar. “What? What the hell?” you think.

In a cascade, you are dumped into a wooden box. You’re now nervous, agitated. “Where’s the queen? Where am I? Why am I covered in sugar?

Let loose. Let loose your cares, my little buzzing friend.

Bee poop, especially after eating nothing but sugar syrup, is gross. It looks like something belonging in a baby’s diaper, just brown liquid streaks. Of course, the runs can be a sign of other diseases (the infernal disease Nosema), but I also get diarrhea when I’m nervous. Since I haven’t seen any more of it, I’m not worried yet.

Poor bees. Upon exit, they crapped everywhere. On their box. On their new hive. On each other. Cooped up in their box, they’d held it in, not wanting to soil their queen.

Of course, I was too concerned with not getting stung not clean up after them…

If your bees have drawn comb in the package box, watch out:

The package box is meant to be a temporary refuge for your bees in transit. They aren’t supposed to be in there for more than a few days.

Drawn comb with larvae AKA “Brood”         “Bienenwabe mit Eiern und Brut 5” by Waugsberg (talk · contribs) – Self-photographed. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bienenwabe_mit_Eiern_und_Brut_5.jpg#/media/File:Bienenwabe_mit_Eiern_und_Brut_5.jpg%5B/caption%5D

The vendor kindly let me know that the bees would be used to each other, that they wouldn’t kill the queen if I l let her out. Great! A group of bees already happy with their queen means a quicker transition to a functioning hive. Regicide is known to happen when queens and workers don’t have time to get to know one another.

Drawn comb, that is, comb the bees have used their various organs to produce, was visible inside the box. Sugar syrup gives the bees the carbohydrates to create wax. It comes out a stark white color.

As soon as I reached into the box, I knew I had a problem. Angry buzzing. The thud of tiny bodies against my bee suit. Uh oh. The bees clung to the collapsed side of my veil and stung me in the neck. I grabbed the queen’s cage, got her into the hive. Howling, I dumped the rest of the bees into the hive, putting the wooden boxes together as fast as I could.

My battle scars ached for a few days, a reminder of the RAW POWER of TINY BUGS. Take caution if you think your new bees have already drawn comb! Your bees might think they’ve already found a home. And if they do, woe be unto you!

Bees are the chillest

“Bee-apis” by Maciej A. Czyzewski – Own work. Licensed under GFDL via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bee-apis.jpg#/media/File:Bee-apis.jpg%5B/caption%5D

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[Review] Coping with Common Garden Pests by Will Kaufman

http://www.unlikely-story.com/stories/coping-with-common-garden-pests-by-will-kaufman/

West Side Slug Life by Andrew Ferneyhough

“West Side Slug Life” by Andrew Ferneyhough

This one is a short read, but man is it chilling. I found it on the “Weird Fiction” subreddit, and it’s a fresh new piece for horror and science fiction fans. It also possesses a literary flavor that I enjoyed. The plurals were a ton of fun.

The telling of the strange story definitely reminds me of Lovecraft, down to the avoidance of the most awful things in the author’s field of vision. Gardening is one of my favorite past times, so I appreciated the author’s nod to the perilous side of the hobby.

This fantastic little story is absolutely free on the Unlikely Story online magazine. You can’t beat the price of admission. Definitely want to see more from this author. Also check out Unlikely Story for other stories of the bizarre.

Verdict: Worth a bowl and scroll.

ETA: Thanks to Brni for correcting me on the publishing outlet here. Unlikely Story was the publisher, Kaufman the author! My mistake.

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Review: The Staples Slide Calculator

Web link: http://www.staples.com/Staples-Slide-Calculator/product_149984

My pipe sits by as I write this, combusted about halfway. I need to write about this infernal machine before I continue my well-deserved leisure.

As the reader might imagine, the calculator finds itself anachronistic in an age of pocket microprocessing. Calculators are the slide rule of my generation. My youth involved achingly beautiful spring days spent inside, listening to the arithmetic teacher prophesying situations where no calculator could be found: “Tuck, you won’t always have a calculator in your pocket!” These pedagogues were wrong. I have that and more! I can alienate my family in a few swift clicks!Staples Slide Calculator

Forced to ask a clerk where I could find one, I delved into a forgotten corner of the store. “Staples Slide Calculator,” the packaging said, boasting an alarm clock feature above and beyond its use as a calculating device. Cool, right? Sporting the lowest price among the five or six options  geared toward accountants and number-crunches, my choice cost me roughly four dollars. A bargain, I thought.

The adhesive on the package was weak, like the device sat on the shelf until the glue broke down to its component parts. How long? Years, likely. Pleasantly, the battery, of the sort powering watches, was still live.

At home, I reclined in my office chair, unfolding the directions. Wait, directions? Really? Most alarm clocks are fairly intuitive. Calculators are self explanatory. Yet as I fiddled with the device, I realized why the directions were necessary. I learned design from the best, and this device was badly designed.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

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[Non-Fiction] Marijuana bricks thrown from truck during chase picked up by passing motorists

BBC Story for some Friday humor.

Arizonans are fast on the uptake!

Police said they managed to recover 17 of the jettisoned bales, but were unable to retrieve the rest which were picked up by passing motorists.

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Just cool: A picture of trichomes under magnification

jVordEPVery cool.

The plant uses these to produce the essential oils that gives marijuana its distinctive odors and medical properties.

In some plants, trichomes are filled with poisonous substances, but in the case of cannabis, the oils are pungent and designed to fend off predators.

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