Tag Archives: fiction

WEIRD WEED is FREE 4/20-4/21


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Review: The Staples Slide Calculator

Web link: http://www.staples.com/Staples-Slide-Calculator/product_149984

My pipe sits by as I write this, combusted about halfway. I need to write about this infernal machine before I continue my well-deserved leisure.

As the reader might imagine, the calculator finds itself anachronistic in an age of pocket microprocessing. Calculators are the slide rule of my generation. My youth involved achingly beautiful spring days spent inside, listening to the arithmetic teacher prophesying situations where no calculator could be found: “Tuck, you won’t always have a calculator in your pocket!” These pedagogues were wrong. I have that and more! I can alienate my family in a few swift clicks!Staples Slide Calculator

Forced to ask a clerk where I could find one, I delved into a forgotten corner of the store. “Staples Slide Calculator,” the packaging said, boasting an alarm clock feature above and beyond its use as a calculating device. Cool, right? Sporting the lowest price among the five or six options  geared toward accountants and number-crunches, my choice cost me roughly four dollars. A bargain, I thought.

The adhesive on the package was weak, like the device sat on the shelf until the glue broke down to its component parts. How long? Years, likely. Pleasantly, the battery, of the sort powering watches, was still live.

At home, I reclined in my office chair, unfolding the directions. Wait, directions? Really? Most alarm clocks are fairly intuitive. Calculators are self explanatory. Yet as I fiddled with the device, I realized why the directions were necessary. I learned design from the best, and this device was badly designed.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

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